Jens2Cents

Loving Myself & The Start of My Dread Adventure

Posted on: 10/06/2014

It’s taken me thirty years (and I’m currently peering through the haze that is postpartum depression), but recently it hit me: I love myself. This most recent battle with depression has not been my hardest, but it has been the longest. The silver-lining to all of this is the realization that not once have I felt suicidal. Oh, certainly I’ve felt like running away at times, but not permanently ending things. Having been on the other side, this is huge & has even helped pull me out some. I know my current feelings and state of mind are temporary and I want to live.

I feel like I’m about to embark on something great soon, the beginning of a journey & many adventures. In fact, I have started one of those adventures already! Last weekend I visited Tamie at Gypsydirt to have her dread my hair.

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Fact: Dreads make you smile

My face hurts, I’ve hardly stopped smiling since the picture above was taken. The timing was both perfect & bittersweet. I’ve wanted dreads for many years, but for one reason or another it just hadn’t happened yet. Last year there was someone I had hoped to ask for help. I was having a difficult time building up the nerve because this person had such a strong beautiful personality (even just online!) that I was a bit intimidated. I no longer have the opportunity to ask her anything, let alone silly hair questions. I started to think maybe I shouldn’t get my hair done. I cried about it all when I got home from the salon, but I know it was the right choice.

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Muffin passed the time by nursing & eating jerky.

Last year, a remarkable thing happened. There was great sadness around & within me. One day as I passed the mirror, I heard a voice. “Hello, beautiful.” What the…? I looked around, but it was just me. Slowly, I went & stood in front of the mirror. I looked closely, a bit uncertain, but hopeful. I heard it again. My voice, yet not my voice. Coming from within, but being heard. “Yes, I’m talking to you. You are beautiful. If I know it, then you know it. Embrace it & quit beating yourself up.” Yep. I heard it loud & clear. The years of hating myself & this awesome body that had just birthed a fourth child? They were over. I have spent far too long hating and abusing myself, but I couldn’t do any of that to the beautiful person looking back at me, loving me and all of my faults despite all I had done to her.

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I smiled through it, but most people wince!

So I got my dreads. The perfect part of the timing is that I found a wonderful woman to do my hair and have been happily sharing news of her self owned shop. I love supporting small businesses, so it has been a blessing to already see word of Gypsydirt spreading. Getting my hair done after I realized my own beauty was a good thing too. I know that it isn’t my hair that makes me beautiful, it’s me that makes my hair beautiful. I won’t be forgetting that anytime soon.

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Before dreads

I apologize if this post is all over the place. I have a lot of thoughts and emotions spinning through me as October brings several painful anniversaries along with some good ones. Each time I think of one event, I’m quickly reminded of another. Within a matter of moments my heart can soar, crash, and then fly again. It’s a bit exhausting, but I’ll try to cling to the good. Like Halloween. Muffin’s first birthday. The anniversary of my body’s transformation and my mental rebirth. So much has changed in this year and I have grown right alongside my baby. I’m eager to see what the next year brings us, I hope it’s beautiful.

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